How I lost myself, I don't know. It may be do to the many changes that have occurred in my life recently, and I have merely been unable to keep up. Or perhaps it has to do with my own personal, mental and emotional inconsistency of not knowing what I think or feel. In the past I always seemed to be able to find a certain steadiness to carry me through life's experiences, but now.... Have I lost that ability, or have I just forgotten how to look? I wonder if everyone of us sometime in our lives ( for some more often than others) share the feelings of C. S. Lewis when he said,
"where is God?...go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited?" - A Grief ObservedSecurity, certainty, understanding, peace....why are they so hard to find sometimes? And why is it when they do come, it seems nearly impossible to get them to stay?
As I ponder these questions, I realize that there likely isn't a universal answer, but I do know that the uncertainty of the future is always threatening to blind us from the wonderful blessings of today. I am recently reminded of the Hymn Lead Kindly Light (Hymn no. 97)
"Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,I've found that simply put, the future is uncertain, and according to Bruce C. Hafen a former President of Ricks College, "some uncertainty is characteristic of mortal experience," just like the darkness surrounding the Iron Rod was a key part in Lehi's Dream. In his address to the students, he dives deep into the topic of uncertainty in a very understandable way. I enjoyed reading his various insights about how to properly approach this issue.
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me."
It is hard. As life becomes more and more complex, I find it increasingly easier to get lost in the thick of it, but I find comfort in the words of Elder Richard G. Scott,
"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. I testify that I know that is true....Others can encourage you to make the right decisions, but those choices must not be prescribed by them. You need to ponder, pray, and exercise faith to willingly make choices consistent with the teachings of the Master. Such choices are made with trust in things that are believed and when acted upon will be confirmed. Only enough guidance is given to lead you aright and not to weaken your growing character. That guidance will solidify your trust in Heavenly Father and the Savior." - The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and TestingI don't know everything. And I don't understands everything that God has planned for me, yet even though it is true that I often feel lost, I know that I can make those necessary choices to align myself with what is right, so that I can face the uncertainties of the future with renewed trust and faith my Savior.
I can overcome my fear with my faith.
That reminds me of the Baptist church on State Street near my house. They have a sign out front with a message that they change every so often. Right now it says, "Worry ends where faith begins."
ReplyDeleteThat isn't to say that you won't have problems, or that everything will just magically work out. You'll still have mental and emotional struggles like the one you described today. But because of that unshaken faith in God, you'll make it through. You don't have anything to worry about, because He is there to guide you.
Well said, Cale.
Start doing the things you know you should be doing. Get clean. Go to church. Be an example. It will all fall into place.
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